New Symptoms

Don’t even ask me why I am posting this. Hell why are you reading this? I am just so bored and so aggravated with life that is is scary. Here I am at 7:47 p.m, alone, in the dark, and in pain. This damn new pill that I started taking only yesterday has my whole body feeling like I got hit by a bus. It even hurts to type right now! Yet I am doing it because if I don’t do something I will have a mental breakdown…again. Now I can only take this antibiotic that hasn’t done anything yet and that I am almost out of. I also don’t have any refills for it. Lucky me right? The intense head pain is still there. Still a 7-10. Forever a 7-10. I am still very dizzy and I hate everything and everyone. I can’t stand up straight and I can’t walk in a straight line. I walk like an 80 year old because of all this. I have had so many mental breakdowns I should be sedated heavily. Like that matters now. This just would be my luck. I never get sick. Now not only do I get sick but they don’t even know what it is, I lose my job, I have so many medical bills, so many pills to take, so many side effects,etc,etc. This has literally crushed every positive thing in my body. You guys have no idea. So anyway hows life going? Did you buy Lemonade yet? Beyonce is life. Drakes album though! Probably going to watch Netflix for a billion hours because I am also an insomniac now. Life is fun. Okay bye!

Aggravation

It really annoys me that there are not easier ways for writers to make money. Yes I have this blog but not too many people pay attention to this. Which is discouraging because I feel like I could help others through my hardships. There is putting ads on things but I don’t know how to do that. I enter writing competitions almost every week. Just hoping for at least a thanks. I have a book out. I have Twitter followers not a lot but a decent amount. I don’t know how else to get the word out. You would think someone in the 20s would be better with social media. Sadly this isn’t the case. Since my lack of a job and money I figured I would research more into this. If anyone has any notes or tips I would appreciate the help. I just really want to get the ball rolling. It has been storming nonstop where I live and that just reflects how things have been going lately. Hopefully something will come up. I would even write papers for students I don’t even care. I am a broke writer who due to an illness cannot just hurry up and get a part time job. Not to mention no one around me is hiring right now anyway. Again if anyone has any suggestions I would appreciate it greatly. http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/AlexaHaer

A Lack of Funds

So since I have no job but I am still not fit to work I am starting to worry about money. I only have a few bills to pay really that of a phone bill and the ever reliable Netflix. A few people have bought my book and that has been a big help. I am inquiring to anyone if there are legitimate ways to make some extra cash. Those survey sites are all too much. They don’t pay out right away or they make you collect points first. You have to be on there for hours to get anywhere. If anyone wishes to comment or contact me otherwise that would be much appreciated. All I am asking for is advice really. I do not think I am eligible for unemployment as I had only worked at this job for four months. If you would like to help by buying my poetry book that would literally mean the world to me. http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/AlexaHaer. If not any advice would do nicely. I do not know when I will be fit to return to an actual job. The medication is not working and I am almost out of them. Doctors really have no idea what’s happening. They just assume. Sorry for being all ranty and desperate sounding. I have just fallen on hard times and I am frustrated with everything. Please let me know if any of you can help. Thank you in advance everyone!

Dragon Fire

So one of my biggest health issues is an intense fiery pressure in my head. It resides at the back on the right side. This is not a migraine as it has lasted for four weeks straight and is not triggered by anything. It keeps me from doing things and wanting to do things. I am able to sleep but I am a night owl and a writer so that means nothing. No amount of medication has worked thus far. I have been on tons and I do mean tons of medication. They all just make me tired but they don’t take away the pain. The constant is a 6-10 on the pain scale. It doesn’t move and if it does it will stay at a 5. This has made me lose my job, patience, will to write, will to do anything. I don’t want to do anything. I get bored yes but I just don’t care. This could also be the depression talking but oh well. I try to keep going. I am getting better at updating this. My life has never been easy so why should it start now? No one really gets what I am going through and it annoys me. Not to mention I am dizzy all the time and I fall over a lot. The evil eye has been cast on me I just know it. I have been reading the book I wrote a lot lately. Those poems do help. I recommend grabbing a copy if you even feel 1% of what I feel. It’s not a life changer it’s just someone who gets it. I wrote it for others mainly. If no one would listen  or doesn’t believe depression is a real thing, I sure as hell do. I am living it. http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/AlexaHaer Perhaps one day we will all heal. Together.

Where I Get My Strength

You may be thinking that this post will be about mothers. Well you are wrong. This is about what really helps me through the days. I get my strength from the world around me. The evil people who dictate how much freedom we can really get away with. The trees and the moon. I get strength from how bright the moon shines at night. My grief is when it rains. Trust me when it rains it does pour. I have people who I am close with but that list grows shorter each year. I try not to let things get to me. I wake up and try to fight. These past weeks I feel I have reached my limit. Yet I get strength from the meows of my cat down to the likes on social media. Some may view it as something ridiculous but it does help. From the writers that reach out to me with questions or comments. I get my strength from you all and from what’s around me. Always take things one day at a time. There is no magic cure for being pessimistic like me. Just wake up, breathe, and repeat. Get your strength wherever you can find it.

Determination

It has come to my attention that you can’t always control things in your life. While I can come to terms with this it does mess with me a tad. When things don’t go well for me I fall back on literature. Either someone else’s or some that I might happen to write. I am extremely determined to not be one of those writers that never touches pen to paper or hands to a keyboard for weeks on end. Even if tragedy stuck I wouldn’t dare. After all I always pull my works from things I have been through or have seen others go through. Sometimes the pain we endure brings out brilliant pieces of art. It may seem sad to some but to those like me we see it as an opportunity. Not all pain is bad really. They could be seen as stepping stones into another chapter. All I can do is keep on pushing through this storm. Even in a blog I cannot help but to speak as if I am writing a novel. I have always been this way even when I was a little girl. It’s a gift people say. I just say it is what I am meant to do. One of my purposes in this life. To any writer,blogger,journalist,or hell even a student…breathe. Just breathe. If your work load is too much, if you have no material to write, if your personal life leaves much to be desired…breathe. I promise if you stick to doing something that unwinds you for even a moment don’t let that go. We all need something to hold onto. For me it’s books  to read and books to write. We can get through rough patches one word at a time.

Curve Balls

It has been a while since I have posted on here. So much insanity has went down since then. I got a new job. Then I came down with an illness that will most likely make me lose said job. I don’t even feel too bad about it anymore. I am more worried about getting my health under control. I have been throwing myself into my writing. The novel I have been working on. I am making progress believe it or not. I am happy with it even though I haven’t read it all the way through yet. I always save that part until I am totally finished. I am practically on bed rest due to how dizzy I have become lately. I am a very stubborn person though so I still fend for myself. My health is an unfortunate hiccup but I am glad I have more time to focus on my true calling. Besides writing on this blog I will keep up with my poetry and the novel. I am pretty busy in this regard. I am content but frustrated because I don’t feel 100%.  I am on several different medications that do make me a bit sleepy. They have not helped me yet but this is too early to tell. For now I must work on bigger and better things. Let’s just hope my writing keeps me in good spirits.