It has been quite some time since I have last made a post and so much has happened. I am working on my writing and the ultimate goal is to get published without having to venture into the self-publish lane again. I like having the freedom to critique my work how I wanted without going through hoops. It is extremely hard for someone like me with a lot of mental issues to stay positive but I am trying. My life and my experiences may not be the type of thing that people can handle but I am ready to use my pain for art. They say that beauty can come from pain. The waters haven’t run clear in a very long time but these muddy waters feel more like home.
I never really cared about the opinions of others. I am not a people person and the only opinion I care about is mine. Lately though after a lot of turmoil in my life I have come to terms with the fact that I am too tired to deal with everything. I am just so tired and there is not much that keeps me going. Which is a shame but I have been trying. Things have been getting too difficult. I have one legitimate person to talk to but I can’t bring them down anymore. I am a burden on everyone. I do not wish to be this. People want me to be perfect and I can never be that. I just want some sort of break. Right now I just want to sleep and be left alone. Life has not been kind to me and I need to not deal with it.
Some people in your life right now may not be in your life in a few years. Not because you chose it but because they don’t want to be. Because they don’t deserve you and they try to break you. Some people are not worth the pain. You cannot change someone no matter how hard you try. What is important is that you don’t let them get to you. You cannot let someone trick you into thinking they really are sorry, they love you, or they really have changed. You need to know the difference. Sadly learning by experience is the best experience. You need to stay strong for yourself. The world may not be split into good people and Death Eaters but what side you choose to act on does indeed count. I think there will never be a moment when I am not going through something crazy. That’s okay though. I know I am strong. I just want anyone who reads this to know that they are strong too.
There are many things I do have. All of them are mental mostly. Although my health problems haven’t gone away and the doctors are pretty useless. I don’t really have the positives. I am at a loss for words really. Life is insane and painful. I just really want to sleep for a very long time and I am not sure waking up is something that I even want to discuss. I am going to take my fifth nap today. That’s how you know. You either sleep more or not at all. I am one of the few exceptions. Much like a vampire I sleep a lot during the day and then at night I am too stressed and filled with anxiety to sleep. I lead an exciting life. They say you are not alone but I always feel like that so how is that true?
I am so tired of being told to cheer up. IT IS NOT THAT SIMPLE. Words are literally meaningless. I have major depression, anxiety, and PTSD. I have so many secrets from my past that only one or two people know about. With all of the insanity that has gone on in my family how dare you tell me that. I literally feel like I am at my wits end. Nothing means the same things anymore. Life just feel more empty than usual. I feel like I have no one. People ask me how I feel about things and then they reprimand me for feeling that way. I can’t win in this life and I am so tired. I am tired of everything. I try to do the things that make me happy but lately that hasn’t helped. I really feel like I have nowhere to turn. I am so so tired.
So many crazy things have happened this year. My illness being the first one but then I lost a family member. Well more like two and they are both at fault. I have a new job lined up finally after months of heartache and stress. I feel like things are changing for me but I also feel more anxiety. I am anxious that people have left me at no one’s fault but their own. Life has been real horrible to me this year and I am exhausted. Today I have a 3rd interview at a job that not only pays well but also teaches a trade which is the ins and outs of business. There are a lot of horrible things that are still going on and it’s getting to me. I am trying to be strong but so far I feel weak. I am going to try to be strong but I am not that confident. For now I will try to make a new life for myself. A much better one filled with promise. I hope your year has been much better than mine.
No one understands me except for one person. Everyone else I am with just doesn’t get me. I feel such an intense surge of loneliness and anger. I fear what may happen if I am unable to keep it in. Letting it out would destroy things. My writing is my only true solace. There are moments when I just feel so empty. Then there are moments when I want to curl up in a ball and never move. I am so tired. Behind my eyes there is so much pain, anger, and sadness. Nothing makes it go away. You can trick it into going into hiding but it will eventually come out to play. If it wasn’t for me working on my novel I feel like I would literally crumble. I wonder if anyone else feels this way. I wonder how many people are like me. Too bad I don’t care to share besides what is written here. I am going to fade away and I won’t do anything to stop it. I hide everything and yet my eyes show the truth. It doesn’t matter anymore because I am just so tired.